Thursday, August 12, 2010

I went to the hospital to deliver my sons and all I got was a lousy teddy bear

Well, two teddy bears.

And a uterine infection.

And a touch of ptsd.

Dr. Shrink reduced the new med and I'm feeling all kinds of things. All kinds of things that suck.

Wishing we had waited. Tried to wait to deliver. Wondering what life would be like now.

Wishing I had at least gotten to hold him.

I know, I likely spared him painful procedures.

I know, I could have held him after he was gone. Cold.

I couldn't. Not cold.

I know that others have held their child as he or she passed away.

I am envious.

The other day I was at school for a meeting with my adviser and, on my way into the bathroom, almost ran smack into a gorgeous pregnant woman. She was pulling the door open as I was pushing it open. The wife of a colleague. She is about 39 weeks.

They had a loss at 13 or 14 weeks. He says she is still anxious about losing this baby, despite the fact that things are going smoothly. I told him it's not unreasonable. He said there are members of her family who had stillbirth(s).

He couldn't wait to get away from me. When I left, I was ripped apart.

Trying to get used to the idea of adoption. Elizabeth Sw1re Fa1ker has a book about it, I think. It was too perky for me. Yet, anyway.

Really feeling the end of this. No chance of pregnancy. Never being that woman.

Never holding my baby. Never holding a baby I'd carried.

There is a package, a cartridge of the remnants of the fo11istim we used when I got pg with the boys. And from our last attempt. There are unopened packages of syringes. A bag from cvs with 1oven0x in it. The brave11e donated by a friend, just in case we decided on another cycle. I don't know when it expires, but kind of soon, I think.

I should donate the donation, but I can't seem to go back to my RE's office. I know too much about him via FB, among other things. But I know how grateful I was to get donated drugs. It's not his patient's fault the RE seems to be having a mid-life crisis. If it's not expired yet. Like me.

(Or is that ungenerous of me?)

A good friend, S, is in transition. She and her family are moving across the country. Her husband and kids are on their way, she will follow in a week or two. She misses them. A hole in her chest, she said on FB. Her dog is being clingy. Dogs, I told her yesterday, are good at filling holes. She knew what I meant.

Stella climbed on my lap today, when I got home from errands. My 30-pound lap dog. It was good. But still.

I fell apart in the car today, on the way home from errands. 1ngrid michae1son singing "Fools Rush In." I started thinking of my niece, but all I could see was me holding a baby. My baby. A baby that would be mine.


It is what it is said...

Oh, these anniversaries, bring it all back. It all seems raw as I read and I am helpless to help you.

There are no platitudes to help and everything seems so cliche anyway.

So many of us are willing you to move forward, with whatever path feels right, but I know that no path does just yet.

I do find that even when I do not have a clear path or feel stuck, that doing something, anything in the direction I think I'm supposed to go seems to help...if only to give the appearance of progress.

Do what you can for you.

Tash said...

I'm just gutted reading your remembrances and feelings, Sue. There must be some unperky adoption stories and memoirs out there.

Dogs are awesome.

Thinking of you and the boys right now.

luna said...

anniversaries have such a way of teasing out those memories, especially the ones we'd rather not re-live.

regret will eat away at you, if you let it. peace -- in the sense of knowing that you did what you could at the time -- can be so elusive.

and letting go of all that was and all that will never be, well that's downright heartbreakingly hard.

thinking of you all, sue.

Anonymous said...

I've been thinking of you and your words a lot lately. I've been driving around the empty city feeling the hole, and remembering you talking about your difficulty back then going into familiar places again "bacause they're not there anymore." Missing. And when I think about the magnitude of what you're missing, I can't see straight. I ache for you and C so, still.

Dinabandhu said...

Thanks Man!
Keep It Up..
Shareing Ur Talks....
TAX Help
Offshore Corporation