Monday, July 12, 2010

does it ever go away?

Feeling so lonely, so alone. Such a failure?

How do you forgive your body, yourself?

Is it time and distance? Carrying or caring for your own (adoptive) child? Does that help you to block out all the IF and loss pain and grief?

Somewhere (forgive me, I forget) someone wrote about always carrying this, the IF, the grief.

Emotionally, I am all over the placen every single day. All. Over. The. Place.

I'm so tired of being sad. And hopeful. And frustrated. And guilty. And forgiving. And optimistic. And angry. And envious. And sad. And tired.

And lonely.

There is no one in my place. I know some have weathered this and come out on the other side, in various ways.

I don't know how to do this.

And I'm so tired..

5 comments:

m said...

Sue, I am here. And your questions are mine. And I'm not sure of any of the answers so I'm not sure this is any help, but I do want you to know you are not alone.

Amber said...

New reader here, nice to meet you!

I'm so very sorry for your losses. You're a strong woman, there's no doubt about that. Though I've never experienced anything like that, I do carry my IF everywhere I go. Funny - I wrote a long post yesterday about that very thing.

I hope that today is a better day and that there is peace to be found in your world today.

Mirne said...

I don't know the answers either. All those questions and feelings, they are still there for me every day. Maybe they will never go away. May they will just help sculpt the new me.

MK said...

Hey Sue, I'm here. I'm with you. And no, no one is exactly in your place right now but we've been there and we've made it out. You will too. It takes time and it hurts and it's painful but it will get better. It will always hurt but one day, it would hurt SO bad. I can't tell you when that day will be and I wish I could. Until then, I can just tell you, I'm here.

Michele said...

years later and it still hasnt gone away. i feel it stronger sometimes... especially now...

hugs...