Monday, June 8, 2009

Time Passes

I just realize I haven't posted a substantial post in a while. Part of that is because I am still without my own computer (using the b.berry for reading and commenting when possible), but part of that is because, well, there is not that much going on. Not externally, anyway.

C read and appreciated your good wishes for his birthday. It really was a nice day: lunch and a movie, gorgeous summer afternoon with blue skies and good spirits. As a couple, we don't really do gifts much. I apologized to him for not buying anything, but he just smiled and said it was a huge gift just to be with me and see me smiling, laughing, enjoying myself. A good man, I tell you.

I am doing better. I'm not doing much, but I'm thinking about the future. Worrying about it, too. I'm worried that when fall comes, I'll fall apart again. That all the sensory reminders of my pregnancy, and then my depression, will still be there. I'd like to believe, as C and friends have told me, that I'm strong. I'd like to believe it. But I don't trust it.

And I do have some difficult moments. Those are the times that make me fear the slippery slope. They make me reconsider my tentative plans to be with my sister when she has her baby.

It's the bitterness. The anger and sadness that pops up sometimes when out in public when every woman is pregnant. Or with a small child. Or two. Stupid shows all over tv about pregnancy and birth and multiples and careless women, women who take their fertility for granted, take their children's lives for granted. Put their children at risk by gestating like some ridiculous number of embryos/fetuses. TV commercials that glorify pregnancy and motherhood.

Normally, I just curse and turn the channel, or mute it and look away. I've been watching too much tv. And staying up way too late.

Last night there was an episode of Law and Order: Crazy Vin.cent D'on.ofrio flavor. Late last night. The upshot of the episode is that some unstable mother accidentally killed her less than year old child by leaving her alone in a hot car. And that she and her husband pretend that the baby was still alive so they could get some kind of inheritance from his great aunt. The mother, though, was so unstable, that she believed the baby was still alive. Even though they had buried the child on the aunt's estate. They made some reference to the mother being hospitalized briefly after the loss. And during the episode, they show her sitting on the floor and rocking, watching some's TV infomercial, saying, "children don't die, children don't die..." At which point the husband gives her some drugs and sends her off to bed.

At the end of the episode, the medical examiner shows C-V-D the blanket the baby was buried in, a poem left with the dead baby. All while some assistant wheels in this cart with a small body bag, which he puts in one of the morgue drawers.

I was shaking. It's some stupid show. But the portrayal of the crazy dead baby mama. That little body bag.

I don't know. It freaked me the fuck out. I actually wound up taking a Klon.opin for the first time in a while.

It's just moments like those that make me think, well, maybe I shouldn't go to CA to see my sister. Maybe I'm not doing as well as it seems. Maybe we won't be ready to try again this fall.

C is really feeling his anger now. Though it does seem to have waned somewhat, it's definitely still there. Definitely still there.

I just don't want to go try to help my sister and wind up losing it. I don't want to be even more of a wreck than I would otherwise when/if we try again. The chances of yet another chemical pregnancy are good. I got pregnant in 4 out of 9 cycles, but 3 of those 4 were chemicals. It's such a mindfuck. I do wonder, though, if it would be different since losing the boys. Not less bad, just different.


I just read Charmed Girl's most recent post. Among other things, she talks about Janis's post about how life is really a process of letting go. Both posts really touched me. In a lot of ways, I do feel like I've let go of the boys. A few weeks ago, it hit me that it really has been almost a year and a half since we lost them. A year and a half. It's been like a dream or a nightmare -- like my life has been on hold for the last 18 months while I've tried to deal with losing them. The loss of the pregnancy. How responsible I feel and have felt. The horrid delivery and what followed. One lousy thing after another. We're about 2 and a half months shy of 2 years since getting pregnant. It feels like it just happened. But it feels like ages ago. And I am just barely starting to move forward.

And not even really forward. Maybe just upward. I don't know. I don't do much. My motivation is still low. I take care of the barest of household responsibilities. I resent and resist. I am afraid.

I am behind my cohort at school. They are all taking comps in August, and publishing and presenting. I still have classes. Comps won't come till next spring, I think. I know, life happens and we do what we need to do, plans almost never come through. I don't even know what I want to do my research on anymore. Maybe I'm just afraid to invest in anything. I have been struggling with feelings of futility, like, it doesn't really matter what we do, the system is the system. What I have to say isn't going to change anything. Whether I stay with the work I left off with last year, or shift to something more transdisciplinary.


Despite all this, I am feeling better over all, believe it or not. I am more myself. Maybe I'm just feeling this frustration, these questions with a clearer head. Or maybe I'm just wasting more time. Like this long, rambling post.

I just don't know.


Michele said...

I saw that L&O, too. It was so hard to watch. I was so upset and the worst was, I saw it coming and kept watching. About halfway into it, my husband and I looked at each other and knew the outcome. And yet, we didnt turn it off.

You are grieving. We all are, no matter how much time has gone by. That's okay. You can feel good and still be grieving. You are acknowledging your hurt and anger and that is super important. Keep doing that, even as it makes you wonder if you should or shouldnt do something. Dont hold it in; that will only make it worse.

I really hope that the fall brings a trouble free, easy pregnancy. I wish that for you; you deserve it so much. Sending warm thoughts and hugs...

Mrs. Chop said...

Hi Sue,

I randomly found your blog. I lost my son after having pPROM at 14.5 weeks. He was our miracle (conceived via IVF) and I too have had a hard time going on without him. Some days are worse than others. Like today.

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your boys. I hope you become pregnant again soon and have a trouble free nice months. You and your husband so deserve it.

Bonny said...

So glad to see a post from you. Sending love your way.

Aunt Becky said...

Love you, C, and your sweet boys.

Ya Chun said...

Sue- you are where you are. Don't compare yourself to the other grad students, don't worry about what might be going on soon or not so soon. Just be.

CLC said...

Good to "hear" from you Sue. Thinking of you and C.

Tash said...

I'm with Ya Chun -- treat this like a yoga class, and do what you can that feels right TO YOU. Screw everyone else. They haven't been through this. That goes for classes and your sister and everything.

I didn't see that L&O (my diet is hockey, these days) but can't say I'm surprised that we're all portrayed as crazy loons who can't give up the ghost. I'm sure that's how my IL's see me.

Take care, Sue. I have to say, your writing is really different. In a good way. It just sounds more confident, like you can find words easier and talk through things. Always here to read. xo

Heather said...

Glad I missed that Law & Order.

I can identify with the "what's the point" attitude. I've struggled with that too. In academia, especially, I spent most of last semester faking my way through lectures I didn't really give a shit about. It's amazing what you can do on autopilot.

It's cliche to say, but I think all we can do is do what feels right at the time. And if nothing feels right, do whatever makes you feel less nauseous.

charmedgirl said...

i think you're exactly IS like being on hold. and when you sloooooowly start to move (in slow-motion at first), it is the most surreal thing on the planet. i hate all the f-ing phases of this crap. hate it. yet, at the same time, i am learning a lot. don't ever talk IRL about it though, lest you get the whole 'everything happens for a reason' lecture. BLEH