loop-de-loop

(I've taken a full dose of ambien, so this may not make a whole lot of sense. I figured the combo of the ambien plus the stomach settling effect of the diet coke would balance out and i'd be able to go to sleep. Hm. We'll see.)

I'm just... all over the place.

I called my sister yesterday to let her know that I was tentatively planning to come see her when she has the baby. She was practically speechless (really saying something for my sister the scriptwriter), but very pleased and as I described the things I figured I could help out with, most of which included getting my dad out of her hair for periods of time, she seemed very happy with the idea.

I told her it wasn't a definite, and of course, I would need to be taking my own breaks now and then, and that there would crying. There would definitely be crying, but not just about my own sadness and loss, but how so very thrilled I am for her.

It was a great conversation. I told her I went to Targ.et and spent 1/2 an hour in the baby section, and she said she still hasn't gotten that far yet.

I find myself feeling really good and excited about the prospect of the trip, but a bit trepidatious, too. I don't know how my BIL is going to be, and part of my reason for going would be to alleviate the need for my sister to manage both my BIL and my dad. I would take care of dad, and run errands and get some air, and go have lunch with C's best man and his wife, and one of his other best buddies.

It's scary, odd that it feels so good and exciting to be considering what I could do to help out my sister, what she might need from the store, miscellaneous things, like I don't even know what. I had a couple of flashbacks from my own ventures on Amazon, and that was scary. I want to know that I"m doing this for her. All this stuff, it's not for me. Not for my baby.

Not My Turn.

I don't want to get so caught up in in that I forget that. fortunately, I will have my medications. I will have a rented car I can escape in. I will have my own room in this enormous new house they've built.

What I hate.... what I hate is that a lot of the motions are so familiar. Thinking about, what will she need? I mean, she's due in 3 weeks, she has no diapers, no onesies... all stuff that we can pick up while she's in the hosp or recovering. But putting my mind in that place. My stomach, this evening was feeling unsettled, so I got out some potato chips and diet coke (with my ambien, which I did NOT take when pg) which is what I used sometimes to try to settle my stomach when I was pregnant. TWO YEARS ago. Just smack me now.

What makes me happy, though, is that I have an opportunity to take part, to celebrate this amazing time in my sister's life, this moment she has been working towards for years, literally blood, sweat and tears. I can help. I can be a sister to her. Finally.

I hope. Family dynamics have a way of, well, getting in the way. My own sadness comes after. After online browsing. After mentally making plans. The lump in the throat arrives. I don't want it to get in the way.

I want to deal with it later, on my own. But I don't want it to destroy me. And to be honest, I'm afraid of how long it will take to recover from a week of this. If they have a boy, there will be a bris, 8 days later, if they follow the rules.

I have a therapist. I have a couples counselor. I have a pharmacologist. I have C. I have dear friends. Strong community here on the internets.

But I also have some work to do for school this summer (yes, I hope to get most of it done before the probable trip), and I have to re-prep for my class this fall, as it is changing somewhat, and I'll be on a 2-day instead of 3-day per week schedule. And then contemplating trying again in October or November.

*****
Okay, I guess it's late enough, my eyes are getting heavy, as are my fingers. Dear Stella will be rising in 4 or 5 hours for her walk. Maybe 5 or 6. Please let it be 5 or 6.

Abby cat is settled under my knees, holding my weight, looking perfectly content. Stella is curled on the floor, still tuckered (I hope) from an hour or so at the park, silky ear flopped over a hind paw. C is upstairs snoring softly (I hope). Hazel is no where to be seen.

Thanks for listening. Good night.