Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Me, Myself and I

I cried a lot yesterday. Where did it come from? It wasn't that really intense sobbing, just so many tears, the lump in the throat kind of crying. Then, I was in a terrible mood. But in a weird way, it was kind of cleansing. I feel okay today.

I want to have a baby. I want a child or two to raise to be good people. When I used to apply and interview for jobs in special education, I would often talk about one student in particular, and what was so satisfying was helping him navigate the world. Helping him to make connections himself. Watching him grow, incrementally, over the course of the year, knowing how much effort it took him. And me. It was exhausting, and frustrating, but in the end, it was extremely satisfying.

I just want to start from scratch. With one of my own. My therapist asked me what would happen if was sick again. Miserable physically, again. Well, I know now how to advocate for myself. I can begin with a doctor who is responsive and communicates and takes my concerns seriously. Who is educated in my high risk conditions.

Shortly before we lost the boys, I realized I would probably be puking the whole pregnancy. I resigned myself, but I knew it was worth it. I also started asking my doctor to step things up. Too little, too late.

I won't say I didn't have moments where I wondered what the hell I was doing. Or just wanted it all to be over so I could just feel better. I won't say I don't feel just the teeniest bit guilty. More than the teeniest bit.

I spent some time yesterday thinking about what our life might look like if we had no children. It would be okay, but all I could feel was this hole. I fully recognize that at this point, there is a very good chance that we won't get pregnant again. That we won't be able to have children. And really, we would be okay. We would just build our lives in a different way.

I think my bad mood yesterday had a lot to do with resentment toward the idea that I didn't want it, when I do want it.

I have said that I didn't know if I could survive if we lost another baby. To be honest, I don't know how I'd get through. And I don't want to do that to C. We are still working out the grief (both his and mine) from losing the boys. I'm afraid of getting sick again. I'm afraid of all the work, that I'll be a sad mom, that I'll make (the inevitable) mistakes. I'm afraid I'll want another one and that I'm too old. That my eggs will be too old.

And I don't want to be one of those women who focuses on the pregnancy and doesn't look at the implications of bringing a child into the world, and being responsible for that child. I worry that I can't do it. That we can't do it. That a baby will arrive and I'll think "oh my god I don't want this." I think that's where my questions come from. Is it worth all the aggravation and stress? Is the love enough? Is the joy enough?

C and I have a lot to talk about. A lot of work to do. Figuring out how we've changed, who we still are after the last year and a half.

Maybe six months will be enough time to figure some of this out.


Jill said...

((hugs)) Sometimes a good cry does wonders. I hope you find peace soon.

Michele said...

With Alex, I remember thinking "I cant lose another baby". But, at some point, just the sheer love of him... it was so worth anything for that. And, when we did birth him early and lose him, my first thoughts werent of loss, they were of love.

At the start of any pregnancy, I say the same thing. "I cant do this again. I cant lose another child." But the love is so strong that I think we come to find that we can survive anything- even our hardest grief- if it means the chance to love another child.

Your boys will give you the strength, even when you dont have it yourself. It is in thinking of my children and remembering that I find the courage to bond with these babies and move on each day in this pregnancy.

I'm sending you huge hugs, and thinking of you and your boys today...

erica said...

Just, love to you and to C as you're working all of this out.

G$ said...

6 months will fly by.
Hang in there hun. None of this is easy

niobe said...

What G$ said. These things are all so complicated and painful to figure out.

Melanie said...

I am sure you've probably come across this, but have you thought about using a surrogate? There are lots of people out there wanting to give couples the chance at having a child.

Hell, maybe someday I'd do it for a friend or family in need.

Just a thought.

I hope you start feeling better soon.

jaded said...

i'm just thinking of you.

Callie said...

I'm so sorry you're going through all of this, but happy that you have this space to write about and express everything you're feeling (and so eloquently at that). I'm thinking about you and hoping you find some peace soon.

Betty M said...

Just to let you know that there is another person out there thinking of you both whilst you figure everything out and wishing you happiness.

Jonathan said...

Sue, I know what you mean about being unable to see other people's joy over their babies... and you want to be happy for them and you're so d*mn jealous ... or is it envious. I felt so outside.

You'll be a great mother. It's so hard now, and you'll probably tell stories about the boys all your life. Parenting is hard, and there are certainly times when you'll wonder why, or not know what to do, but you'll be able to do it. I can see it in you.

k@lakly said...

6 months isn't that long, really it only feels like it when it holds your future so tightly in its grip. I hope it gives your mind and heart the time they need to be ready for your next step(s), whatever they come to be.

Celine said...

I just lost my 24 week b/g twins at the beginning of April due to incompetent cervix (after a cerclage at 16.5 weeks).

I will have a TAC placed if we decide to try and get pregnant again.

I've heard that Dr. Haney at U of Chicago is the MD who helped to develop the procedure.

There is a website Abbeyloopers that deals with TAC.

I hope everything works out well for you.