Monday, April 20, 2009

Another Worcester Day

Gray, rainy, chilly.

I'm doing better, but not consistently. The Cym/Well combo seems be working, and reducing the Klon.opin. But if I"m late for a dose, by a few hours, I can feel it. And it ripples for hours.

Holding off on the cer.clage, probably until I'm pregnant, but, as C notes, my mental health is most important. The only problem with that is my 39th birthday looming in July, and the school year starting in August. Getting the TAC requires at least 2 weeks recovery, potentially 3. I will likely be teaching next semester, so I can't just take time off in the middle of things. Which means we wait to try until October-ish**, so I would be at 9 or 10 weeks during winter break, and would use the break to recover. (Of course, if we were more ready, we could get the TAC over the summer so I don't have to worry about timing recovery.)

Six months seems so far away. And my eggs are aging rapidly. But my head is not together. I've talked to Dr. Shrink, and he is beginning to consider options I could take when I'm pregnant. And of course I'm the poster child for potential PPD.

C is also depressed. We are going for couples counseling this week to try to improve our communication and functioning. Our house is a mess. MESS.

My sister is somewhere in her early third trimester. 28 weeks? I don't know. She will likely have a section a week or two early, in early July. Happy birthday. It's becoming harder and harder to talk to her about it, to talk about it at all. At first I thought I'd cry with joy, or bittersweet joy. Now I think I'll just cry. Sadness. Bitterness for what I lost, even though I am so very, very glad she will have finally reached her goal. I hate I can't just be happy for her, can't go visit her. She understands. But I hate it.

My cousin's wife, you remember, the one who announced her pg before the pee stick was dry? Yeah, well, she's due in about a week with their third child, their third boy. Aside from morning sickness, a nice healthy pregnancy. Aside from random complaints about being tired or feeling huge in her status on facebo.ok.

My cousin's younger sister, L, is getting married in early August (two years ago, it was her older sister, and I was exactly 4 wks pg with the boys). I don't think I can go. My sister will be recovering from her c-section and dealing with her newborn. My cousin will have a 3 or 4 month old baby. What a happy occasion the wedding will be. New life. New lives beginning. Isn't it wonderful A had her baby? Oh, and this one, too.

And really, I am happy for them.

I'm sorry this is a big jumbled mess: I'm not going to be able to deal with all the joy. Isn't that rich? All the oohing over my cousin's child, all the talk about my sister's. A beautiful wedding. Beautiful family.

And I am just now getting back on my feet. I am more stable. I am starting to be able to look forward, professionally and personally. We are not ready for a baby right now. I want to be. I feel so thwarted and out of control, with my body, with my mood. And I can't believe how much I want a child. I don't even know why. I just do.


Wow. This is such a depressing post. I guess I needed to get it out. I've been wanting to post, but the words just rattle around my brain. Need to get them in order for school, too. Just need to write, I guess.

*Assuming I'm successful in getting viably pregnant on our first or second try.


Mrs. Spit said...

This is such a hard place to be in. Holding your hand.

Michele said...

Better out than in; sometimes we need to just let the hurt wash over us and out- even if the out is only momentary.

I'm really sorry. I've turned down several events because I just couldnt deal with them. Don't feel bad. People love you. They understand.

I'm sorry you have to wait so long. I think I'd just flip over that alone. You are a stronger woman than I.

Sending you big hugs.

Reba said...

It's a Worcester day in Worcester today, too.

The waiting is what would kill me, too. Once I'm ready for something, I want it yesterday.

Heather said...

In babyloss time, six months is forever.

Send all your thoughts, complaints, concerns and musings out to us. We're all listening.

Tash said...

Wow, I must really be in the shitter because I didn't think this was so bad, really. Not great mind you, but you seem to be dealing with things head on and have an end game in your mind that you're twirling around, and that's *good*.

Family is so hard -- it's not just "life goes on," it's that plus the added factor of some kind of responsibility to mind it and acknowledge it. And if you don't, family seems to take it way personally and then it spreads like fire.

Mr. ABF and I still occasionally go in for a session together, and we're not even "depressed" anymore or in any kind of trouble. I think it's good. It's a really focussed dedicated hour just to you, and it really helps once your home. Otherwise I'd just grab and beer and watch 24 or something.