Saturday, May 2, 2009

Time Flies, rambling...

I can't believe it's May already.

It occurred to me the other day, that it's been almost a year and a half. A year and half! I sort of feel like I'm waking from a dream, or like I've been walking in water for so long, and now there is air. Light. It's not that things are clearer, or easier, but... I don't know. Maybe they are. Closer to normal, I guess, whatever that is. The NewMe, a result of the Me that was and everything that's happened. Scabs healed over, leaving scars, ruts and bumps on my skin, my ego, my heart.

I'm still learning to walk upright. Did I write about this before? Talking to Dr. H left me feeling better, absolved kind of. Like I'd been carrying the weight of the universe, the Earth and the heavens, on my back for a year and a half. With the weight, I could only look down. It was hard to move forward, with all that weight, that guilt. He took the universe off my back a month ago. In that time, some of the guilt has returned, along with the anxiety and worry of losing another child, that I would screw up (again) somehow. I've begun to worry that it's not just IC, and that my baby(ies) would die anyway.

We are in limbo right now. Initially, we were considering getting the TAC before pregnancy, but the timing is difficult almost as difficult as it would be doing it when I am pregnant. If I can get pregnant. And stay pregnant for that long. Limbo is hard. Waiting. Registering for classes for the fall, I'll be jumping in with both feet. Teaching, too. Wondering how that all would go during the semester. Again. Morning sickness, dehydration, exhaustion. Wondering why we don't just try again right now, then get the TAC before the semester starts. Our funds are short during the summer, we didn't plan well. We need my summer scholarship, my financial aid, in addition to C's summer teaching pay. Oh, and I'm on a ton of drugs. We're reducing some, but not enough for a summer conception.

I went and got my CD3 testing done, to see if we actually have some time to give, to wait months or more, if my ovaries are cooperating. My cycles have been all over the place, from 23 to 28 days. Tests came back great: FSH 6.8, E2 46.6, and LH 5.3. So we can breathe. Even though I'll be 39 in a couple of months.

I worry that my ovaries will just suddenly give out. That we need to have another child now so we can have a second in a couple of years and I won't be completely decrepit and exhausted.

If we get pregnant in October or November, it means (theoretically) a summer baby. If I do need bed rest toward the end, I can take it because the semester is over at the beginning of May. So that's kind of the plan. C wants me to be focused on school for a while before we do this, kind of remember who I am and what I want professionally.

*****

May is hard. Lots of dates for this calendar girl. Today is a year since my sister lost her twins, though she is currently about 30 weeks pregnant. She's still holding her breath, because anything could happen, not just IC, but it does look like she'll have a baby at the end of June, or early July.

Monday is eight years since my mother died. I still think about her all the time, but it's not nearly as raw as it was. I (rationally) know that that's how it will be with the boys, though it was obviously a different kind of relationship, different kind of loss. I am hoping that I will come to terms with it, the guilt and the grief in a few years, the way I did with my mother. There were things we did with her care that I regret, but it doesn't plague me the way this has. Or at least, I've dealt with it.

Mothers' Day, of course. 'Nuff said.

Our anniversary on the 12th. 7 years of marriage. What a journey it's been.

The unfulfilled due date on the 19th. I think I'll be okay for it. Distracted, and I have an appointment with Dr. Shrink that day, and therapy just happens to land on that day. So I'm covered. But even without it, I think I'll be okay.

I just might be okay. Not great, but okay.

Scars and all.

14 comments:

Tash said...

Ok is good. No, Ok is GREAT.

You have so, so much on your mental plate. Give yourself space to deal with each piece, with as much time as you need. Try and remember it's not a race, or a contest. And you sound different. I'm really thankful you had this conversation. It's ok to backtrack a bit -- the whole unleashing will probably jiggle some other stuff loose that you'll need to ponder.

And YAY on those CD3 numbers!!!! You're an inspiration to those of us hoping the cd3 fairy will magically just call us up and let us know without the whole calling-the-RE hassle.

Michele said...

May is so hard... I agree...

Sending you good vibes.

k@lakly said...

You sound so good. So focused and thoughtful. It will be a hard month but it is one you will handle, you've handled harder ones even without all of the dates and other mental and emotional hurdles. Sometimes I think it's the months of nothingness that are the hard ones becasue the feelings are there and you can't pin them on anything or any cause.
Yay for good CD3 numbers! I hope when the time comes it goes easy on you both.
xxoo

Heather said...

I second k@lakly- it will be a hard month but you've survived harder.

I'll be thinking about you.

Betty M said...

You sound a lot lighter as you put it. It is lovely to read. I am sorry May is going to be such a tough month. I will be thinking of you.

CLC said...

Thinking of you and your Mom. Sorry May is so tough.

G$ said...

I am ignoring significant dates in May. Expect meltdown later in the month.

Ok is fanfreakintastic, hang in there hun, you can do this.

jaded said...

I'm sorry May is very difficult for you, it is for me too. you are the only person that has articulated how i feel, afraid that something could go wrong in another pregnancy aside from IC.

i am going to have the TAC done in a future pregnancy at 14 weeks - when we know baby does not have obvious anomalies and the miscarraige risk is low to nill.

luna said...

and just like that, a year and half goes by, and keeps on going...

I remember your post from a year ago about the sorrow of may, and I hear you. hoping to break my may curse this year though...

ok is pretty damn good in my book.

xo to you.

The Swann's said...

Here from LFCA...

I'm so very sorry to hear about your losses. I can only imagine how difficult May is going to be for you. I have my own struggles in May but nothing compared to yours...

Congrats on your upcoming Anniversary though! Seven years... How exciting! I hope you make the most out of this special day and are able to enjoy it despite the circumstances that surround it.

~Meghan

Anonymous said...

thinking of you today... -carole

sue said...

徵信公司,尋人,抓姦,外遇,徵信,徵信社,徵信公司,尋人,抓姦,外遇,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,尋人,偵探,偵探社,徵才,私家偵探,徵信,徵信社,徵信公司,抓猴,出軌,背叛,婚姻,劈腿,感情,第三者,婚外情,一夜情,小老婆,外遇,商標,市場調查,公平交易法,抓姦,債務,債務協商,應收帳款,詐欺,離婚,監護權,法律諮詢,法律常識,離婚諮詢,錄音,找人,追蹤器,GPS,徵信,徵信公司,尋人,抓姦,外遇,徵信,徵信社,徵信公司,尋人,抓姦,外遇,徵信,徵信社,徵信公司,尋人,抓姦,外遇,徵信,徵信社,徵信公司,尋人,抓姦,外遇,徵信社,徵信,徵信社,尋人,偵探,偵探社,徵才,私家偵探,徵信,徵信社,徵信公司,抓猴,出軌,背叛,婚姻,劈腿

文章 said...

AV,無碼,a片免費看,自拍貼圖,伊莉,微風論壇,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人文學,成人貼圖區,成人網站,一葉情貼圖片區,色情漫畫,言情小說,情色論壇,臺灣情色網,色情影片,色情,成人影城,080視訊聊天室,a片,A漫,h漫,麗的色遊戲,同志色教館,AV女優,SEX,咆哮小老鼠,85cc免費影片,正妹牆,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,情色小說,aio,成人,微風成人,做愛,成人貼圖,18成人,嘟嘟成人網,aio交友愛情館,情色文學,色情小說,色情網站,情色,A片下載,嘟嘟情人色網,成人影片,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人漫畫,視訊聊天室,性愛,a片,AV女優,聊天室,情色

小小彬 said...

AV,無碼,a片免費看,自拍貼圖,伊莉,微風論壇,成人聊天室,成人電影,成人文學,成人貼圖區,成人網站,一葉情貼圖片區,色情漫畫,言情小說,情色論壇,臺灣情色網,色情影片,色情,成人影城,080視訊聊天室,a片,A漫,h漫,麗的色遊戲,同志色教館,AV女優,SEX,咆哮小老鼠,85cc免費影片,正妹牆,ut聊天室,豆豆聊天室,聊天室,情色小說,aio,成人,微風成人,做愛,成人貼圖,18成人,嘟嘟成人網,aio交友愛情館,情色文學,色情小說,色情網站,情色,A片下載,嘟嘟情人色網,成人影片,成人圖片,成人文章,成人小說,成人漫畫,視訊聊天室,性愛,a片,AV女優,聊天室,情色