I can't believe it's May already.
It occurred to me the other day, that it's been almost a year and a half. A year and half! I sort of feel like I'm waking from a dream, or like I've been walking in water for so long, and now there is air. Light. It's not that things are clearer, or easier, but... I don't know. Maybe they are. Closer to normal, I guess, whatever that is. The NewMe, a result of the Me that was and everything that's happened. Scabs healed over, leaving scars, ruts and bumps on my skin, my ego, my heart.
I'm still learning to walk upright. Did I write about this before? Talking to Dr. H left me feeling better, absolved kind of. Like I'd been carrying the weight of the universe, the Earth and the heavens, on my back for a year and a half. With the weight, I could only look down. It was hard to move forward, with all that weight, that guilt. He took the universe off my back a month ago. In that time, some of the guilt has returned, along with the anxiety and worry of losing another child, that I would screw up (again) somehow. I've begun to worry that it's not just IC, and that my baby(ies) would die anyway.
We are in limbo right now. Initially, we were considering getting the TAC before pregnancy, but the timing is difficult almost as difficult as it would be doing it when I am pregnant. If I can get pregnant. And stay pregnant for that long. Limbo is hard. Waiting. Registering for classes for the fall, I'll be jumping in with both feet. Teaching, too. Wondering how that all would go during the semester. Again. Morning sickness, dehydration, exhaustion. Wondering why we don't just try again right now, then get the TAC before the semester starts. Our funds are short during the summer, we didn't plan well. We need my summer scholarship, my financial aid, in addition to C's summer teaching pay. Oh, and I'm on a ton of drugs. We're reducing some, but not enough for a summer conception.
I went and got my CD3 testing done, to see if we actually have some time to give, to wait months or more, if my ovaries are cooperating. My cycles have been all over the place, from 23 to 28 days. Tests came back great: FSH 6.8, E2 46.6, and LH 5.3. So we can breathe. Even though I'll be 39 in a couple of months.
I worry that my ovaries will just suddenly give out. That we need to have another child now so we can have a second in a couple of years and I won't be completely decrepit and exhausted.
If we get pregnant in October or November, it means (theoretically) a summer baby. If I do need bed rest toward the end, I can take it because the semester is over at the beginning of May. So that's kind of the plan. C wants me to be focused on school for a while before we do this, kind of remember who I am and what I want professionally.
May is hard. Lots of dates for this calendar girl. Today is a year since my sister lost her twins, though she is currently about 30 weeks pregnant. She's still holding her breath, because anything could happen, not just IC, but it does look like she'll have a baby at the end of June, or early July.
Monday is eight years since my mother died. I still think about her all the time, but it's not nearly as raw as it was. I (rationally) know that that's how it will be with the boys, though it was obviously a different kind of relationship, different kind of loss. I am hoping that I will come to terms with it, the guilt and the grief in a few years, the way I did with my mother. There were things we did with her care that I regret, but it doesn't plague me the way this has. Or at least, I've dealt with it.
Mothers' Day, of course. 'Nuff said.
Our anniversary on the 12th. 7 years of marriage. What a journey it's been.
The unfulfilled due date on the 19th. I think I'll be okay for it. Distracted, and I have an appointment with Dr. Shrink that day, and therapy just happens to land on that day. So I'm covered. But even without it, I think I'll be okay.
I just might be okay. Not great, but okay.
Scars and all.