Wednesday, October 8, 2008


(Not up to a long post* today, but wanted to check in. Thank you for hanging in there with me.)

So, a week ago yesterday, I saw my shrink. Then, the pharmacologist. He said that he'd like to treat me aggressively, as he sees me moving into a major depression. We talked for an hour and a half.

Two therapy sessions in one day. A girl could get used to that. I left feeling still sad, but better. Somehow, having someone who is outside of my life, but spent at least a little bit of time listening, asking questions, carefully listening, and giving me a name helped. Not crazy. Not entirely.

And talking, hearing myself. Listening to my sad voice reel off the events of the last year or so. The challenges I've had my whole life. My parents' depression. My grandfather's misdiagnosed disorder.

I knew I was depressed. Am depressed. Don't get me wrong. I know I hit bottom, or I could see it from here. I just didn't realize how low bottom is. Was. You know what I mean.

Even though I'm seeing a great shrink, have a great husband, family, friends. All of whom had been urging me for weeks. I guess it was the culmination. Maybe I was ready.

I think what it was, was that he gave me permission to feel what I've been feeling, somehow. That sounds fucked up.

Somehow taking that step allowed me to acknowledge how bad I've been feeling. It was scary to hear some of the words leaving my own mouth. What a fucking mess.

I'd like to treat you somewhat aggressively, he said, after 75 minutes. Increased (okay, doubled) the dose of what I've been taking. He gave me new 'scripts for A.tivan and Am.bien. If it helps, take it. Sleep is important. It's okay to take something so you feel better, until you feel better.

So we titrated the, I drove straight to the drugstore to get everything filled. Started that night.

Had some side effects, but not too bad. I feel incrementally better. As in, able to focus for 5 minutes at a time. Not horribly, weepily angry. Well, not so much. Have had a couple of good days teaching, even. A few weeks for full effect and getting past plac.ebo.

I'm holding my breath still. I'm not better yet, but I'm not as bad, if that makes any sense. And, just like 6 or 8 months ago, I'm shaky. Not comfortable anywhere. Sad. Really sad. Not quite so awfully sad. As the sadness, or depression or whatever it is, wanes just a teeny bit, the anxiety rises. Afraid of feeling better. Afraid of falling again.

Just afraid.

We'll see, I guess.

*Okay, so I lied.


luna said...

Sue, I'm so glad you found someone who could really listen. sounds like you are on a good path for treatment.

I think there's so much value in affirming -- or normalizing -- grief and depression. to recognize that this is a valid and real response to what has happened.

I'm so glad to hear you sound like you are turning a corner. it's not that you won't look back. but it will get easier. wishing you peace and strength.

Newt said...

The pharmacologist sounds fantastic. Hope this change brings some healing and comfort for you.

Mrs. Spit said...

You actually sound (read?) a bit better. Like you can handle the world at your fingers just a bit more. And I am so thankful.

Hoping for better days ahead.

k@lakly said...

It takes great courage, strength and intelligence to reach out and ask for help when you need it. I am so, so relieved that you found your doctor and that you like your doctor. I hope the days continue to get better and that this makrs the beginning of some real emotional healing for your mind, heart and soul. You deserve it.
Thinking of you:0

CLC said...

I am so glad you went. I hope the meds continue to work for you. And I am glad you got supportive doctors who will listen to you. I am proud of you!

Martin said...

this is one of those Dr Phil type phrases I hate, but you do need to 'own' your sadness.

Accept it, allow it.

Then you can move on, at some small pace.

Best of luck.

Tash said...

It's so hard when "just through it" is unbearable. Glad you've found someone (and something) to help. No, it's not going to be sugar-spun castles with rainbows and flying horses, but if you can just focus on the next 20 minute chunk? it will be worth it. string enough of those together and things will improve.

I'm proud of you, S -- takes a lot to admit you're at bottom (or close) and do something about it. that's not the easy way. Please take great care -- thinking of you, as always.

Antigone said...

so glad he's being responsive. better, even the tiniest bit, is in the right direction.

loribeth said...

I'm so glad. : ) Post as long & as often as you like!

janis said...

I'm glad you found someone who really listens.
And what you said, about giving yourself the permission to feel... is right. Give yourself permission to heal too.
I know it is tough, but you are supported. Hang in there! xo

c. said...

Glad you found someone, Sue, willing to do what is needed to get you to feel better. I know it's fucking hard, but I want you to feel better, too. It's hard enough to live with the reality of deadbabies and infertility (and everything else) without the added weight of depression. I hope you can conquer the fucker. I'm rooting for you. Absolutely. XO.

Ya Chun said...

hugs to you...

glad you found a good doc and hope you keep going- even if you need twice a week at the start... it is good just to have someone listen and dive you some hints and direction and validation.

Amy said...

Thinking of you and hoping that things get better for you.

G$ said...

Oh hun, difficult steps to take, but you already sound just that much better.

Much love to you

JW Moxie said...

Waiting with you for hope, having trust in the hope, and peace of mind.

Aunt Becky said...

I understand just how it feels to give yourself permission to have your feelings. I'm glad that you have an MD that you like and that you're getting the treatment you need. For me, at least, I've found that taking positive steps in the right direction does a lot for my mental health.