Science vs. Art vs. Magic

I've been thinking about this all afternoon, so instead of writing a nasty letter, I'm going to vent here.

When we first met with our RE, he and C bonded over the science. They were able to talk as two professionals, discussing research in scholarly terms.

During the cycle in which I became pregnant with the boys, I made a joke about a certain family with eight children, and he (my RE) was visibly angry at the irresponsible behavior of the woman's doctor. It takes careful monitoring, understanding of the reproductive system and of the woman's own chemistry, he said.

On my RE's website, from the very beginning, he has included the line, "A child is a gift from god." We didn't talk about god. We didn't discuss the quote, nor its implications. It didn't seem to have much impact on our treatment.

When I came back, finally, and began treatments, my RE had clearly gone through life-changing things. A divorce. An illness. He became certified in medical acupuncture. In the middle of restarting our professional relationship with him, my RE got remarried. To a woman who runs the shop where he does the acupuncture. To a woman who calls herself a psychic.

It was during our second cycle after we came back that we had a conversation where I told him that C was atheist, and I was agnostic, though leaning towards atheism. It was the idea that everything we had been through, everything my family and friends and loved ones had been through, was for a reason. I told him about the faculty member who told me "Everything happens for a reason." He, my RE, winced and said that's horrible. I told him that I was trying to understand the universe not just as chaos, but not with a plan from some god on high.

I think it was last January that I saw posted in the lobby a photocopy of some inspirational thing, entitled "why did god give me infertility?" The gist of it was that it was a way to give a woman (and her partner, I assume) a special relationship with the child she would eventually mother.

"Sounds like everything has a reason" to me.

Somehow, I ended up on his email newsletter mailing list and in part of his most recent featured article, was this:

It's not anything magic that we do in the laboratory. The real magic lies in children who are so wanted and desired by loving parents who pray over days/weeks/months/years. Through such careful attention and caring, the world now has the opportunity to share in the many blessings these mini-miracles are bringing forth.

Huh? Is it that I'm not praying? "Mini-miracles"? Blessings? Do I not desire it enough? Or in the right way? Is that why I lost my boys? Is that why I can't get pg again?

Do I not get these?

It sounds to me like this doctor believes there is a plan. That there is is some greater force deciding who gets to be pregnant, who gets to be a parent and who doesn't.

Maybe he thinks he is just the instrument of god's will?

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Aside from all this crap is the question of interests, as in "of course he is going to recommend acupuncture because it is in his (and his wife's) financial interest." Or, "of course he is going to say that I don't really need IVF because he can get me pregnant because if I go to IVF, he loses a patient and the revenue. And yes, he did get kinda twitchy when I brought up the possibility of IVF. It was only in recent months, as I approach 40 that he seemed okay with it.

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Oh and on his fb page, which, btw is open to all, he is a fan of "O.B.A.M.A -- One Big Ass Mistake, America." I don't care what your political beliefs are, if you are a professional (i.e. doctor/lawyer) or a smart businessperson, you don't put partisan stuff out there for everyone to see.

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I feel like I've wasted 5 years. I feel like I've given tons of money to a man whose politics makes me ill.

Did I feel respected and cared for at the time? Yes.

But hindsight sucks.