Monday, September 8, 2014

Last time

7 years ago today, my wonderful cousin got married in a gorgeous wedding in a gorgeous outdoor ceremony, filled with all kinds of color and people and traditions and love. And food. Such a beautiful, happy day. Such joy. So much joy. Happy tears.

7 years ago today, those two pink lines were dark and thick, more than I had ever seen, getting darker every day, every 12 hours, for 4 or 5 days, never wavering, as they had done, as they had done each time, three times before, before fading to nothing over a week, or two. 

7 years ago today, I felt confident -- well, hopeful -- enough to tell my father that it looked like this cycle may have worked, this 9th cycle. It was in a quiet corner during the wedding reception and tho I never uttered the "p" word, he hugged me and gave me a huge kiss in the cheek. I had only ever told him after the failures, the losses, and wanted up give him a little gift of hopeful grandparenthood.

7 years ago today, I was four weeks pregnant. I knew the beta would show something, but was wracked with apprehension. And hope.

7 years ago today,  I was four weeks pregnant for the last time. Ever.

7 comments:

Lollipop Goldstein said...

So beautiful and so sad. Your words sent chills down my arms.

Illanare said...

I am so, so sorry.

Turia said...

Here from Mel's roundup. I'm sorry. Deeply, truly sorry.

Suzanna Catherine said...

Here from the Roundup. Your post was achingly touching. I'm so sorry for your losses. Sending you ((hugs)).

Mali said...

I'm so sorry. Every December (over ten years now) I remember my two pregnancies. It gets easier. The hope though - I remember that fondly now. I am glad I had it at the time, even though it was shattered. It was love I felt at the time, love for those lost babies who never made it. And I'm thankful to have had that, even for a short time.

I hope this anniversary has passed peacefully for you, and that you too in time can remember the joy and love and hope without the pain.

It Is What It Is said...

7 years is an awfully long time.

Pained for you.

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