Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Five years

Five years ago today my water broke and my life changed forever.

It's been almost a year since I've posted, though I've been wanting to. Things have been difficult, with the regular ups and downs of living, I suppose.  So, i guess I'm not up to catching up almost a year's worth of blog in one post. And really, there hasn't been much happening, aside from a move out of the Midwest, the passing of my dear Tia. Both in July.

I've been inconsistent with the antidepressants since we moved, and it's shaken me a bit, though I'm getting back on the wagon. Sometimes, though, it's seemed to me that, while they helped me be far more functional, I hadn't been really focusing on rebuilding... Uh, I guess rebuilding myself and my life. my therapist calls it crisis management, last spring, and I guess it was. As you may have seen, I got really low last winter-into-spring. In February I probably hit my lowest point ever. Nothing *happened* but oh it was really bad.  Fortunately my therapist and shrink worked together and I climbed out of my hole.

Mostly, I've been struggling to figure out how to live this life, the one with no more pregnancy, the one -- probably -- with no children. The one in which I am loving other people's children.  And I am glad that they have wonderful children to love, but it is still not the same, is it. In the end, it's not the same.

Trying to reconcile...well, myself, I guess.

*****

Today, I am up and down. Last night was bad, but I am okay enough today to occasionally "like" things on FB. Snarky exchanges with my sister, who is all about encouraging the snark over the mope, which is good. I'm going to try to stay away fora few hours today. It's so great to see my friends and family and their pictures and stories, but there is also the hangover to deal with.

My friend S, the dear friend who was there for us, for me, during and since, remembered the significance of today. She commented on a status posted that Time Flies.  She is the only one. I miss her so much. I can't reach out, somehow. I follow her doings on FB, but what do I have to offer her? I can listen and be excited for her. That is what friends do. Good friends. I am not a very good friend these days. I think that's why I've avoided the blog. Tired of being sad and struggling. Tired of hearing about it. Tired of processing. Tired of being the ne who is still struggling. Not just with the loss, I think, not just my boys, but with the delivery, the doctors and decisions and inadequate care we received. And... All of it. Second (third, fourth, fifth) guessing. And resisting this newer life. The one I didn't want. Looking around at the others who have what I want (at least on the surface).

I tried to post a status on FB, just a small comment on or recognition of the day, but nothing feels right.  I still think about the two little stars metaphor, but it just doesn't feel right anymore.  Hasn't for a while.

So in the world, where I don't really have a place to share this, I've come back here. I'm glad you're here -- I always have been.  And I think I'm going to try to write again. Or at least come by more often.  Thank you for sticking around.http://sodearandyetsofar.blogspot.com/2009/01/loving.html?m=0http://sodearandyetsofar.blogspot.com/2009/01/loving.html?m=0

17 comments:

Catherine W said...

I've been thinking of you, C and your precious boys 'Winter Song' played in my kitchen this morning and . . . there you all were.

I'm sorry it got so bad this year.

Silke said...

Dear you,
I might not know you but I've been following your blog for a while.
I was hoping you'd update it!
I guess I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
When I first started to read your blog it really took my breath away.
I think you're a very brave woman and I deeply respect you.
I'm glad you're writing again and I hope it will bring some relieve to write it all down.
Take care!

Trish said...

I'm so glad you have posted. I have been following your blog for some time and have thought of you often during this time of year. Know that you are not alone. Take care.
Trish
San Diego

AnnaMarie said...

There's so much that I relate to in your post.

I'm sorry it has been a rough year for you, emotionally. Wishing you peace during this time of remembering your boys.

Michele said...

Im glad you posted. You were one of the first blogs I found when I started my journey (now 2 months shy of 5 years) and your words were always a source of comfort and understanding for me. I think about you and your boys often and, Christmas morning, you were on my thoughts. I'd hoped you'd post again. Many hugs and much love.

Love's mom FOREVER said...

Like Michele, yours and your husbands were some of the first blogs I found shortly afterthought loss. I think of you all often, and winder how you are. Please know that whenever and whatever you want to share, we are here to read and remember with you.
It is such a hard time. Love and hugs,
Brooke

It Is What It Is said...

I think of you so often and have checked back here from time to time just to see if there was anything I missed.

I wish so many things for you but mostly that the road ahead is easier than the one behind.

Happy New Year.

luna said...

such a long hard road, my friend. I hope the day passed with some peace. thinking of you and yours. xo

loribeth said...

It is good to see you posting. : ) Thinking of you & your boys and hoping that this will be a better year for you.

Anonymous said...

S still loves you. Here's to finding the stilts or pogo stick or whatever it is you need to boost your eyes above the rim of the pit...a good friend is one whose heart still beats and, no matter how shattered, yours persists in thumping away. You are a good friend.

erica said...

I read this Christmas Day and have been thinking about it ever since. Reconciling is hard, and so much of what you write about being tired really hits home. (Sometimes I feel more tired just because I know people are tired of me being tired already.)

So much love to you and C and to your boys. I hope this year has more bright spots and that the shadows aren't so deep.

vuhelp said...

So nice blogger

Wedding sarees said...

Dreams are always crushing when they don't come true. But it's the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You're always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold and it's enough to break your heart.

It Is What It Is said...

It has been almost a year since your last post and I continue to think of you. There is a hole in my reader where your posts once were.

Are you OK?

Malik Badawy said...

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Anonymous said...

It's now been more than six years... please, please, tell us how you're doing.

Is there ever a happy ending-- whether with a child, or peace and fullness in a life without children? Is there hope?

Trish said...

I know that tomorrow will be a tough day. Just thinking of you. Please give an update when you can.