Thursday, May 26, 2011

where did the words go

every time I sit down to write, to participate in a DBM writing exercise, draw a picture write a freaking word -- I just can't

The notebook closes.
The window closes.
The breath closes.

Pencil down.

I'm doing good work with my therapist.  I don't want to say that "I'm getting close to something," because that doesn't seem to be the way this will work. Some of it is peeling layers, but mostly it seems to be taking bites out of things.  Banging my shin into the chair and trying to figure out what will help to heal it.

Or maybe it's just a matter talking with someone in a different way.  Open to some things, challenging others.  Cracking the door open to see how blinding the light is. Or how bitterly cold.


How long can I go on with the metaphors?

I just deleted a bunch of crap post about guilt and grief.  It's all been said before.  by me. A different context this time, but still. just displacement, I think.


I have been eating constantly for the last 3 or 4 weeks. Or crying or angry.  All the regular stuff, I know. Time of year, sick dog, and what-not.

Surely I am stuffing down some kind of feelings I am not ready to feel. I've picked up all kinds of tools and media to exorcise it from my body.

I pick it up. Put it down.

Not yet.

10 comments:

Siri said...

It's OK. Waiting with open heart for when you're ready.

Beruriah said...

I'm so glad to hear about the good work. I hope that continues, and we'll be here when you're ready to talk or write, about whatever.

Alyssa Rae said...

Its good that you can recognize such things, and it does take time to open up and feel comfortable to talk about this all. Just sitting down and writing this blog opens up alot out of you. You're starting something right there! Don't get discouraged. The words will come.

Ya Chun said...

You are where you are

Tash said...

Regardless, it sounds exhausting. Like you're working hard. Be good to you in the interim.

Lollipop Goldstein said...

Sometimes I think it's more important to know exactly where you are and what you need than it is to fulfill a goal. Sending a lot of love as you work through these feelings.

darkhung said...

I can say your painting is far from crap if these are the results you produce! I'd be more than happy with that standard of painting. Thanks also for the tip of using a dark green-gray as a highlight for black. I will try it. I find a sand/buff color useful for red highlights.

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darkhung said...

Attempting to know when the raids will come is futile. The only answer is to always be in a position to take advantage of them rather than be crushed by them. Their objective is to drain your funds so don't let it happen. Dont over commit. Have funds earmarked for raid opportunities. In the meantime trade as though there is no EE raid coming. They win when they have us always concerned about the possibility.


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darkhung said...

Its good that you can recognize such things, and it does take time to open up and feel comfortable to talk about this all. Just sitting down and writing this blog opens up alot out of you. You're starting something right there! Don't get discouraged. The words will come.
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darkhung said...

Its good that you can recognize such things, and it does take time to open up and feel
comfortable to talk about this all.
Just sitting down and writing this blog opens up alot out of you.
You're starting something right there! Don't get discouraged. The words will come.
May 26, 2011 3:12 PM


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