Hello from southern CA! Warning: lots of ranting follows, with a question at the end -- I'd love your feedback.
Mostly things have been going well here. My niece is gorgeous and a very sweet baby. Really only complains when she's hungry or need her diaper changed.
Yesterday was a little rough, and the last couple hours have been rough. It occurs to me now that I'm on my own w my sis and bil, and I really don't like him. Really. Don't.
Aside from the fact that he "refuses" to get up with the baby when she cries at night, and will only change every other diaper, at most, he's just rude and contemptuous of anything he doesn't understand.
This house is enormous. Gorgeous. At the top of the Bel Air section of LA. 6 bedrooms. 4 Full baths on the bottom floor (2 guest rooms, his office and a BA for the rec room. The house is built into the side of the mtn and the master bedroom is on the secobd floor, guest and rec rooms on the bottom and kitchen. Family, living, and dining rooms are all on thr top floor.
He goes out of his way to talk about the custom-made everything ib their freakibg house, down to the egyptian cotton handmade sheets.
This guy has no grasp of reality.
He also refuses to acknowledge the magnitude and scope of what my sister is doing. BFing every few hours, and essentially taking care of all the baby's needs. He will hold the baby if A asks him to, or change her for the same reason. They are talking about getting a night nurse to give my sister a break. Because he won't give her one. Spending tobns of money on a doula so A can learn about taking care of a baby (since my mom is not available, obviously, and his is nuts, and probably had a nanny raise her kids anyway).
And then he bitches to her because she hasn't made phonecalls about household stuff. With all her free time. Thr doula missed last night because she had to attend a birth, so my sister was up most of the night with the baby.
He doesn't even have a real job. He is helpibg take care of the finishing touches on this mansion and I guess he manages his/their investments. From the house. The baby is 10 days old, but he can't, won't get up to help. Whether or not he can is immaterial to me. He's just leaving it all up to my sister.
My sister, who was up at 12:30/1:00 am to greet me when I got in on Tuesday. She said she tried waking him, but couldn't. Nice to see you, too.
So he takes care of the house construction and she takes care of the baby? That's bullshit in this day and age and she deserves way better. They both do. This guy gets to have a child and we don't? They had a 2nd trimester loss, too, but really?
Also, the first 24 hours I was in the house, all he did was bitch and complasin to her, and criticize her. In front of me and in front of our dad. Finally, my sister called BIL into the other room, and he came back much better behaved -- even if he was faking it.
I heard my dad use a word today to describe BIL that I havew only heard him use a few times in my life. He's really worried for her. She's paying a high price to live the high life and get her baby.
And she is great with the baby. It's freaky how she looks and sounds like my mom. More than that, it's amazing to see the joy on her face, in her eyes when she looks at her daughter, talks to her, soothes her.
Okay, here's why I titled this quandary. After dropping off my dad at the airport , b was chided for taking topo long helping him in with hisb things and getting him pointed in the right direction. All becauseb they *might get a ticket* by the airport police. God forbid. I weanted to say, Well, I would have paid for it, okay? The man is 76-years old and has a big tremor and is movinbg slow anbd is emotionally wrung out. Joy and frustration. Fuck all of you.
So when they're alone (not with Dad), they fall into regular relationship dynamics (:-p). He is condescending and judgmental, openly (like, why would anyone disagree or take offense?)
Okay, here it is: after riding back from the airport, riding up front so my dad could coo at the baby, and then so she could keep an eye on her, he doesn't hear, totally discounts my contributions to the conversation,(again: how could any reasonable person think differently from the way he does?) We find a parking space in Westwood. (One that I point out, that he openly questions "is that a real spot? Really? Well, there's another if this isn't one. Oh, it is a real spot." I'm 39 years old and working on a Phd, but I ant identify a real parking spot? I guess 13 years in Boston was no help either.) My sister walks down the street to pay the meter. I'm wandering a little looking at the shops near the parking space, waiting. (Not even attempting convo.) I turn around to see that he has set the baby (in carrier) on a cafe's outdoor table and went back to the car at the curb, easily 15 or 20 ft, leaving the baby comepletely alone. Granted, it was maybe 30 seconds, but this was Friday night in west.wood, we had seen at least 2 sketchy looking characters as we got out of the car. His back was completely to the baby. Reflex drew me to go to the baby (MY niece!) But I moved away a little because I wanted my sister to see this. Unfortunately, the moment was over before she got back.
As we walked to the diner, he said to her, "do you want to walk be hind me so you can watch her as we walk?" At the table, she was watching the baby to make sure she was still breathing (she was sleeping).
Do I tell my sister? If so, how? Or is this no big deal? To me this seems like the stuff lifetime tv movies are made of, someone turns their back for 30 seconds and the child is gone. Maybe I'm over-reacting, trying to compensate 'cause it's not my kid...
I can see that he loves the baby, but he seems to have no clue. I think my sister's head might explode if she knew. Or it might cause a fight, and the last thing she needs is more aggravation and stress. But is this kind of thing something she should know about? She freaked at the prospect of leaving the baby alone with my dad and me for an hour today (definitely too soon for everyone) how would she feel about this?
**As you might be able tp tell I am really wanting to rip this guy a new one. I've been biting my tongue so much there may not be any left by the time I get home. Trying to be supportive. Ack.
***edited to add:
My biggest concern is that he walked away from the baby on a city street. Maybe he thought I was there, maybe not. (It's not like he has any respect for me anyway.) She's pretty aware of all the other stuff. But do I tell her about this? I agree, it may start a fight, which causes my hesitation. Maybe he just doesn't know. Doesn't think it's a big deal. I just don't know.
Thanks, though for all you thoughts on the subject!