Tuesday, February 17, 2009

So I lied

Didn't post right away. Big deal, I know. this is gonna be kinda boring, just keeping track of things.

I've been all over the place, emotionally, physically. Since starting the med that looks like ability but with an f instead of the t, I've been feeling a little crazy (so what else is new?) in that I am almost manic in talking, restless, and yet it makes me sleepy. I take it at night, instead of the amb.ien.

Called the dr. last week on Friday with concerns and he called back 35 minutes later. Adjusted the titration, which has helped the talkativeness a little, but I'm still restless and feeling just sad. On Saturday, I presented as part of a group/panel made up of students from a class I took last semester. The prof made a point in including me, and I got lots of good feedback. Attended some good sessions, and enjoyed bonding with my colleagues, overall. I came home feeling high as a kite. We did nothing for V day, which was kind of disappointing, although I didn't initiate anything either, so I shouldn't be too disappointed. And we talked about it, too, so it's all okay.

Changed the titration Saturday night, so I would know what to expect for the conference, and I'm glad I did. It was like it was me, but times 5 or 10. The presentation itself was me, but I was asking questions, and reaching out to people. Maybe it was just me the way I actually am. Not as a DBM. I saw a lot of people I knew and liked, connected with them. Lots of strokes. The department chair and a big shot in the department came to our session. It was good.

There was a great session lead by 5 women (3 of which I am friendly with) about representations of girlhood and woman hood that girls are exposed to. I wound up coming out as infertile (though not as a DBM -- many already knew), and talked about how my identity my entire life, since I was 3 years old putting a doll under my shirt so I could have a baby, has been around mothering. I talked about how there seems to be this privilege or club of those who are pregnant or mothering, and how we often identify ourselves as wives and mothers, then doctoral students. But if you don't have a baby, or one on the way, or don't want a baby, you can't be part of this club among women.

The two women, friends, I was sitting with said at the same moment "you have a dissertation!" We'll see. This is very similar to a project my friend S has worked on, in the psych department, but, well, we'll see. A very interesting outcome of my comment was that a colleague was very friendly with when I was pregnant (she was pg with #4 at the same time) was co-leading the session and reached out to me for the first time since I lost the boys. She said something like 'hell of a year, huh?" Uh, yeah. I'd been trying to reach out to her, but got intercepted, interrupted. All year. Just very interesting.

All is well (or as well as it will get) with my brother. I sent him a very short email saying that I was sorry his feelings were hurt, it wasn't my intention, and that I loved him. Got one back saying that once his feelings were hurt from what was in my document, he decided to just go check out my blog for more references about him. He apologized directly for invading my privacy, and I haven't seen his ISP since. A couple of days ago, he fell and seriously gashed his hand and posted about it on fb. We texted about it, and he was appreciative of my concern. Doesn't he know that I love him and want him to be safe? apparently not, but we were able to be a little more normal. I think the next time we get together, the door will be more open to talking about stuff. Maybe.

I had a dream last night about my sister. I was furious with her over a bunch of things, but I think mostly in the dream it was her wealth, and her choice and her pregnancy. I think the pregnancy is the key thing. But I yelled at her, or rather, read her the riot act. In my dream. I'm not consciously angry with her, though it doesn't surprise me that this came out in a dream. What sucks is that today is Tuesday, and I normally have therapy on Tuesdays, but I'm not seeing my shrink until the 24th because she's away. We'd probably have a ball with this one. Probably angry with her, too, because, with the weather and various screw-ups, I haven't had a lot of therapy lately.

I could use it, too, with the change in meds, and feeling so up and down. I'll likely end up calling Dr. Shrink again. I know this sadness, tiredness is part of the med change, but it's really sucking.

So that's most of what's going on in my life. Having trouble settling in to write. Doing a little collage. There's a lot going on in blogland and I'm so sorry to miss out, to not be there for you. Worries, anniversaries, births. You know who I'm talking about (I'll link later). Some I'm reading, fewer comments, but please know you are in my thoughts, whether it's a feeling or a thought or a day you are writing about. I'm not even really reading, it's so hard to focus on anything. But you are here in my heart. Tears of joy, sadness, and all.


Tash said...

Just so you know, conferences make me COMPLETELY high, like I'm on speed. And that's sober, no drugs, no elephant attending with me. I feel like conferences get all my neurons firing at one time and sometimes I just can't think fast enough to keep up and keep track. So honestly, I think the way you described it sounded great and I wouldn't necessarily chalk up the amplification to the meds.

Sometimes it's interesting in dreams to do the Jungian thing and pretend everyone is you. Ergo, you're yelling at yourself about a pregnancy. (Maybe why you didn't necessarily feel anger toward her per se.) so I guess my inclination would be to first, figure out what it was you might be upset at yourself about re: pregnancy (last one? future/possible one?) and second, go easy on you.

Betty M said...

I'm happy to see things are beginning to work through with your brother.

loribeth said...

Good for you for "coming out." I hope it opens up some new doors of support for you.

I've been feeling a little blah myself lately. I'm blaming it on February!!