Thursday, February 19, 2009


I don't know what to do with myself. I have a list, but there's nothing there. I want to write, but nothing comes. I want to read, but can't focus, or it hurts, or I don't want to see. I don't know what I don't want to see, maybe everything hits too close to home.

I think the meds are starting to help, in that I'm less twitchy and weepy. Thoughts are clearer, but not clear. The house is a mess -- am I still that depressed, or just lazy.

The cats flank me. They want to be close. I can't see her, but I'm sure the dog is passed out in her bed. Unconditional affection. Warm. Quiet.

I want to curl up and sleep more. I wonder if I even want another baby. If I'm cut out for it. If I can get through a pregnancy. And school. At the same time? Is it really worth it? The pregnancy and worry, to have a baby?

I can feel tears behind my eyes. Sometimes I recognize myself again. sometimes I wonder who the hell I am and what the hell I'm doing. Spazzing around, teaching, playing with the dog. (Over whose leash I tripped while running last night. I'm fine.) Sometimes it feels like I'm pretending to be me. I still can't see where my life is going.

It's cold out again today. I'd take the dog for a good walk, but the wind is up, too.


G$ said...

I feel like I am pretending to be me sometimes too. I feel like I am pretending to be an adult. When did I grow up? I want to be a carefree kid again. But who am I kidding? Being a kid wasn't even carefree.

Hang in there hun, hold onto the glimpses of you. You make you, no matter.


Michele said...

What the hell am I doing.... I am right there with you.

Don't let this break you, dear one. We are stronger than our infertility. We are greater than our losses. Our children deserve us to be good parents, even if we can't parent them in this world. You can do this. It is worth it.

I'm thinking of you and sending you warm thoughts.

gwendomama said...

The best advice someone gave me after my son died, was that I would NOT feel okay for about a year...and to not try and fight that. I would come back, different, but strong enough.
Everytime I felt pulled down by the tide, it wasn't easy. But the fact that I could accept it and not fight it made it easier to bear and walk through.

CLC said...

Hang in there Sue. You don't need to do anything, just be.

jaded said...

i just want to give you a big old hug. because i know how it is to feel all over theplace too.