Thursday, August 25, 2011

Lost in space, or Bookends

Sorry I disappeared.  It's been a summer. You know.  Lots going on, but much of it in my head.

I don't have much time to write right now, but I'm doing okay.  I'm doing well, even.  Therapy continues to be helpful.  I have barely begun the diss proposal, but I have begun.  If I want to be done with all this by the end of next summer (my own potential deadline), I need to have the proposal done and defended by mid-October.  Sometimes I feel like I can totally do it.  Sometimes, I'm frozen. 

My topic is not about DBMs, specifically, but it's about being a woman in the workplace (specifically academia), and the private and public nature of women's bodies, especially around pregnancy -- and then what happens there, at work, when there is a loss? So far, that seems to be the direction.  Academia is an institution focused on the mind, and yet women are (still) valued for their bodies. What do we do with women, what do we do with their grief.  I could go on and on, since I'm not very far yet.  You get the idea.

Like I said, I'm doing good work in therapy. It ranges from loss to IF to body stuff to health to whatever it is in my head, and more.  It's not easy, but good.  I'm weepy lately, though I'm hoping it's part of the process.

I've been distancing myself from this world, I'm sorry to say, but I need to keep from dipping my foot in that pool too often.  I read on my reader, I lurk. My heart is there, but my head seems to need to lead it out a little more.

I'm writing today, probably because of the date.  I can't not remember. Not important ones.  At the very least, I remember the season.  My body remembers the time of year.  The smells of late summer; the feel of the air.

Four years ago today, we had the IUI that conceived the boys. 

IF was getting to me, to us.  Our one last shot (so to speak) with the leftover meds.  Talking about next steps we figured what the heck.

We don't know what the next steps will be.  Back where we started.  Only not. 

More soon.  Thank you for hanging in there with me.

Sending love,
S

84 comments:

loribeth said...

Sending you (((hugs))). Your dissertation sounds intriguing; I hope you'll share some of your findings with us as you go through it! I don't blame you for taking a step back from the blog as you start this -- sometimes we can only immerse ourselves in this stuff so much before we need a break.

m said...

can I just cut and paste what loribeth said? Your dissertation fascinates me - and I am already wishing for publishers to come knocking once you're finished. I'm eager to hear your next steps, even if there aren't any, and I'm willing to wait, because the stepping back thing, oh yes, I totally get that too. Happy to read your voice.

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I do love Lindsay's act of throwing ice -- the thud as it hits the side of the house and then being able to sit down and cry and walk away from it without needing to take care of one more thing.

But as I read this, I could almost picture you scrawling out all your anger on a piece of pottery, placing it inside a pillow case, and smashing it against the wall outside until it's just shards. And then burying it. Having something tangible you can place down after all the anger is gone for the moment.

I don't kid myself to think that in one day, all the anger would be gone forever.

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