Thursday, February 21, 2008

Well, that was nice...

Two days of feeling almost okay. People even noticed. Color in my cheeks, energy. Appointment with my shrink. Meeting with my RE. Coffee with the grief counselor. Feeling strangely almost normal.

Check up at the OB to make sure the infection is gone. He is condescending. Yeast infection from the post-D&C antibiotics. I am probably about to ovulate. Empty waiting room, until I'm ready to leave -- some girl 18 or 20 with her probably six week old baby boy. With sweet huge blue eyes.

It begins to snow as I make my way home on narrow, winding roads. I walk in to the office to see the birth announcements posted on the glass wall of the entryway. The two baby girls born in the last two weeks to people in the department. I am numb.

Checking email, I want to cry, but keep it together -- repeatedly crying in front of my colleagues is not a good thing. At home, I words I don't know from the placental pathology. I want to make sense of this, and in doing so, torture myself. Whether or not it's my fault, it's torture.

Why won't it stop. It's never going to stop. I don't know if I can bear it.


luna said...

nice to hear you had a few days of feeling a little better. when it's not constant, it comes and goes.

this was not your fault. nothing you did or didn't do caused the loss of your baby boys. sadly it just happened. wishing you strength and peace. ~luna

CLC said...

oh, STE, I am so so sorry for the loss of your boys, Jacob and Joshua. Even though I have been through this myself, I find myself struggling for words to say, because there are no words that can comfort you. But I am thinking of you, and wish you didn't belong to this club either.

I have my up days and my down days. It seems like it may be one up, then two or more down. I am hopeful that it gets better, but I don't know how long that will take. But I have found support in the blog world, and I do feel like it has made a difference communicating with other women that have gone through the same thing.