tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post6103983013471146302..comments2024-02-19T05:16:19.517-05:00Comments on So Dear and Yet So Far: So is this just grief, a setback or am I nuts?Suehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/03812637630030228124noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-82030976649767041852008-07-02T19:22:00.000-04:002008-07-02T19:22:00.000-04:00I do think a lot of this is in fact six months. An...I do think a lot of this is in fact six months. And the fact that there is a ten day window of it for you must make it even harder. I am sorry.<BR/>But I also think there might be PTSD-type issues to unravel. The birth itself (being in and out, particularly), as well as the time in those ten days in the middle-- how could these things not be traumatic for you?Juliahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09745262857388007041noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-37315281128547647942008-07-02T15:58:00.000-04:002008-07-02T15:58:00.000-04:00I'm sorry I'm so late responding to this post. Pl...I'm sorry I'm so late responding to this post. Please, please don't compare yourself to others (easier said than done, I know). We're all in the same boat, and yet not -- there are shades and variances and differences within us that makes this all extremely different for everyone. For example: I think you're amazingly strong because you're blogging. I didn't start until I was 6.5 months past Maddy's death -- I don't think I could've found the words or had the motivation to put any of my thoughts in public.<BR/><BR/>It's like this, forward, backward, fastlane, slowlane, long pitstop. Not a linear line to "over it." That's normal. don't let anyone tell you it's not.Tashhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07376651134993450207noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-17817172599538262182008-07-02T02:41:00.000-04:002008-07-02T02:41:00.000-04:00so you see from everyone else here, yes, what you'...so you see from everyone else here, yes, what you're feeling is normal. I completely agree that grief is not linear, and you can't expect that things will always get progressively better. as others said, there are good and bad days. but also, time does help even out the lows. <BR/><BR/>all that said, however, after such a trauma, I still think it might be helpful to have the guidance of a professional to facilitate the process, preferably someone that specializes in grief. <BR/><BR/>be gentle with yourself. this is just so hard and there is no one right way to get through this. don't demand or expect too much of yourself. six months is hard. a year is hard. every day is hard. but I promise it will get easier, some day.lunahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15455301696832647867noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-5014301079868534292008-07-01T16:39:00.000-04:002008-07-01T16:39:00.000-04:00oh ste, how i wish someone could take all this pai...oh ste, how i wish someone could take all this pain away from you. you -- your feelings, your despair, all of it -- are so normal. so very normal. and yet that doesn't make it any easier, or any better.<BR/><BR/>just before my six-month-mark with my first deadbaby, s. and i took a long trip to a far away place. (literally, not figuratively.) the feeling of being anonymous was such a tremendous relief. we also hiked our assess off, and sitting atop a peak at roughly a mile above ground level was somehow transforming for me. i needed that time away -- the change of scenery, the change of situation, the change of humans surrounding me. it seemed to help.<BR/><BR/>sending lots of love your way,<BR/>--caroleAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-9812634394786477852008-07-01T15:56:00.000-04:002008-07-01T15:56:00.000-04:00I've been away a bit and I've just seen this post....I've been away a bit and I've just seen this post. <BR/>I am so sorry you are in this place. I don't think you are coping less well than anyone else at all. You are coping and finding a way through, it is so horrible but you are doing what you have to.<BR/>It isn't the same I know but I am sure I suffered from PTSD after my loss. It isn't of the same magnitude but I went over and over and over and over the day I was told I there was no longer a heartbeat, every conversation in the hospital. I choose surgery over delivery (at 16 weeks) and then regretted this for ever more. I went to a hypnotist in the end. I just couldn't keep living these days for ever more.<BR/>I am thinking of you xxCarriehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15454167446758199344noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-25063056189072106242008-07-01T14:09:00.000-04:002008-07-01T14:09:00.000-04:00Have to agree with everyone else that this is real...Have to agree with everyone else that this is really what six months feels like, or it did for me anyway. a really rough time, and all the while thinking i should be doing 'better'. also wanted to say that i've realized that i tend to hear other people say they're having a really hard time, and i somehow picture them carrying on in some sort of stoic, reasonable, get-things-done sort of way all the while, and then there's me, huddled in the corner weeping. it's just not so -- it's really hard, and i think those lows are remarkably similar for all of us, and you are doing better than it feels like during the deep, deep lows.<BR/><BR/>it does get easier, somehow. and still - there it is.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-74484031833508719582008-07-01T08:55:00.000-04:002008-07-01T08:55:00.000-04:00I think many people feel like they're grieving "wr...I think many people feel like they're grieving "wrong" or at least differently than others. I know I do.niobehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/10685766216611639434noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-76653423273042129482008-06-30T20:22:00.000-04:002008-06-30T20:22:00.000-04:00I am experiencing lots of ups and downs too STE. T...I am experiencing lots of ups and downs too STE. The downs aren't plunges into the depths of despair as they once were, but for me I think a lot of that has to do with leaving my bad work situation. <BR/>As long as a therapist is keeping track of you, you are probably good and in the range of "normal". I recently asked my therapist for some techniques to deal with thoughts as they come by, because I didn't think that me just talking to her was doing any good. I talk to you gals, and for free! I found the techniques she offered to be really good ideas. I don't know, maybe you are ready for that?Ya Chunhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08816837461370619194noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-63322463280638788592008-06-30T15:23:00.000-04:002008-06-30T15:23:00.000-04:00Even though my loss is recent, I know what you're ...Even though my loss is recent, I know what you're feeling. The ups and downs, feeling like you can make it through the day one minute...the next minute just wanting to die. You're not doing this alone, we're all here for you, in any way that we can.<BR/>(HUGS)Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-63532696050725402622008-06-30T10:30:00.000-04:002008-06-30T10:30:00.000-04:00I have to agree with everyone else. You would thin...I have to agree with everyone else. You would think that by now you would be feeling "better" but it sometimes feels worse. I was desperate about 2 months ago. I felt such despair. I didn't want to be alive. I wondered how I could live every day like this. And somehow it got a little bit better. Granted I started taking Z., but the despair is gone. And I can actually think about my future now. The sadness is still there, and seeing 6 month old babies still cuts me to the core, but I can laugh now too. You are not a freak. This is an awful journey. It's a marathon, not a sprint, and there's no easy way or even a finish line. But it will get a little bit better one day. Maybe you can remind yourself that while you feel like shit today, you know it won't feel like this every day for the rest of your life. Time is our friend.CLChttps://www.blogger.com/profile/08030787972960755420noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-75998164729221159202008-06-30T09:46:00.000-04:002008-06-30T09:46:00.000-04:00This is indeed what six months feels like. Feeling...This is indeed what six months feels like. Feeling like crap and depressed and unhappy seemed to drag on and on and on for me. Tomorrow will be 8 months for me. I am much better than I was at 6 months. And infinitely better than I was at 4. I am still sad. I still hurt that I don't have my son. But. Life has become tolerable again. And I almost hate to admit that because I feel like I'm not being a good mother to my dead son by living again. But we do. We all eventually do. <BR/><BR/>Thinking of you, as always, STE. I hope you get the answers you need.c.https://www.blogger.com/profile/02933776400434137451noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-23611018882623773782008-06-30T08:09:00.000-04:002008-06-30T08:09:00.000-04:00Yep, sounds like six months to me. :( Somewhere in...Yep, sounds like six months to me. :( Somewhere in my pg loss facilitator training manual, there is a page of graphs from a study of intensity of grief reactions in couples who experienced perinatal loss. There is a spike around 4 months & a definite spike at the 6-month mark. And again around 12 months as the "anniversary" dates draw near. <BR/><BR/>Grief is not linear; it spirals up & down (even after 10 years). But as time goes on, the lows aren't quite so low anymore. I promise.loribethhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/09272814565916935113noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-73819502564121400402008-06-30T07:16:00.000-04:002008-06-30T07:16:00.000-04:00I've recently started reading, and I can tell you ...I've recently started reading, and I can tell you that this is all "normal." It's normal to have days where you wonder how you can hurt so much and still be breathing and living.<BR/>Like previous comments have said, grief is not linear, and there are good days and bad days. It is like waves on a beach, sometimes you are up, but more likely you are down, trying to drag yourself back up again. It does get less raw, and less hard to get through, but I still have those sorts of days and it's been 2 years since I lost my son.Mrs Macgyverhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04942421494011144973noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-16966392935017216072008-06-30T04:22:00.000-04:002008-06-30T04:22:00.000-04:00I dont think there's a direct line to 'being bette...I dont think there's a direct line to 'being better'.<BR/><BR/>Ups and downs, set backs when you thought you were in the clear, always an underlying sadness, and almost irrational anxiousness.<BR/><BR/>I wish I knew for sure, so I could tell you, but you sound to me like someone slowing getting there, 2 steps forward, 1 step back.<BR/><BR/>Slow, small steps, and I wish you all the luck in the world.Martinhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11044403947730363259noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-86553694826879659392008-06-30T02:33:00.000-04:002008-06-30T02:33:00.000-04:00Granted, I haven't been through what you have been...Granted, I haven't been through what you have been through, but I've gone through grief. WTH am I saying? I still go through grief. Grief is a process just like life is. You have good days in your life, you have bad days in your life. I think the same rings true with grief.<BR/><BR/>I know it's scary (frustrating & all of those other emotions) to feel like you're taking steps in the wrong direction. This time may carry you through more grief, but with it will come more healing. It sucks along the way, but you continue to move through it all.Kristin (kekis)https://www.blogger.com/profile/14063547563759813530noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-39851543815971125342008-06-30T00:25:00.000-04:002008-06-30T00:25:00.000-04:00A very wise woman who lost a baby 20 years ago tol...A very wise woman who lost a baby 20 years ago told me this. Grief is not like driving to one city from another. You don't get in your car and go. There are stops and starts, wrong turns, getting lost, near misses. <BR/><BR/>I think it's like learning to drive. You get in the car that first time, and everything is new, everything is hard, confusing, frightening, and you have no idea what the hell you are doing. And everything takes so much effort, it's so hard to keep it all in line. <BR/><BR/>And gradually, it becomes easier. Without you thinking about it, you shoulder check, shift, put your turn signal on, and manage to make it into the next lane with ease. And you aren't quite sure when you achieve that, and there may be some things that are always hard, and you are never good at, but you manage, and bit by bit, minute by minute, it gets better. <BR/><BR/>I tell myself this. Grief is not a linear thing. There are good days and bad days.Mrs. Spithttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03386820063407910064noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-20726288123500629622008-06-29T23:22:00.000-04:002008-06-29T23:22:00.000-04:00S., six months is very hard. It stings and burns....S., <BR/>six months is very hard. It stings and burns. I think honestly, had you all not been here for me, the counseling, and support groups, I never would have made it to the almost seven month mark. Hang in there, it doesn't get easier but it does get less harsh. Thinking of you and wishing you peace.Amyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00912286121374215944noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-51697469497876693592008-06-29T23:12:00.000-04:002008-06-29T23:12:00.000-04:00I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am sure tha...I am sorry you are hurting so much. I am sure that everyone reacts differently -- but for what it is worth, after I lost my son at 20 weeks the six-month mark was a real low point for me. It was just like what you describe -- like being back in that dark hole all over again, and I couldn't understand why. But it's been a little bit better every month since then. I hope that the same will be true for you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-398826425080805683.post-40904688658657770582008-06-29T21:48:00.000-04:002008-06-29T21:48:00.000-04:00I only recently started reading, I know it is no c...I only recently started reading, I know it is no comfort to say I'm sorry for all that you have been through, but I am sorry for all that you have been thgough. I think that however you are feeling is normal. Everyone grieves differently, it does not make you a freak or anything else. And I don't think that getting help makes you a freak, you have been thgough so much, I'm sure that many need help after things like this and it does not make you any less of a person for needing the help. You are in my thoughts. Take care of you.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.com