Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Oh, and...

(as long as I'm annoyed and whining. Who, me? Whine?)

I got a parking ticket this afternoon during my class. 10 minutes after the meter expired. During the class I didn't really want to go to, but went anyway, unprepared. Figuring I would just not participate. Except we did a bunch of group activities. Including performance and "sharing". Ahem.

The Chinese food we ordered took over an hour to get here (twice as long as they said it would), and I gagged on gristle. So much for dinner.

I've developed a scorching UTI. Worse than I've had in many years. With blood. (sorry for tmi) And aching bladder.

C very kindly agreed to run to CV.S with me to get some drugs for said UTI (perco.set was not doing the job) and when we went downstairs to leave, we found that the dog had peed all over the floor. She never does this. She did it tonight.

What else? Oh, I could think of a bunch of other non-dreadful things made uglier by the single line I've seen almost every day for the last 4 or 5.

Wah wah wah.

Done. For now.


*****
How about you? What rankled you today? Here, have some of my triple cream brie...

15 dpiui -- Updated

Peeing on CV.S Early hpts. Lots of pale evapo.ration lines. Somehow, even though I know evap = BFN, it's not as hard to see as the stark white of the FRERs.

My RE called yesterday to talk to me about the acupuncture and my response. I think he wants to do some sort of article or something about it, because my response was so dramatic. I told him I've kind of been freaking out (*really* bad weekend) and he suggested coming in for another treatment, today. I, of course, agreed.

Before my appointment, I got blood drawn for a beta. (Normally, it's at 16dpiui, but they took pity on me since I was there already.)

Everyone there has their "fingers crossed" for me. Great.

They are such sweet, wonderful people. I feel kind of bad bursting their hope balloon. Which they resist, but then when I ask about refilling my 'script for the Bra.velle, they are all business.

I won't say I have zero hope. Unfortunately, I am a great proponent of magical thinking. Still, I'm expecting nothing. Maybe a beta of 6. If anything. I left the office an hour and a half ago, and one of the nurses told me I would likely hear within the hour. Oh, yes. Let's draw this out, shall we?

I'll keep you posted.

*****
Update: Negative

At least I can stop all the shots and pr.ogester.one. And, once more, into the breach. I'm to call on Day 1.

Also -- looking for info:

If you were infertile, before (or after) your loss, how long did it take you/has it taken you so far to get pregnant again? When will you/did you decide to end treatment? What went into your decision?

What can you tell me about shifting the paradigm from IF treatment to adoption? Thoughts, advice, experiences? Talk to me about beginning this journey...

Monday, September 28, 2009

I want to say

...fuck it all

I want to say...when is it my turn?

But that's now how it works.

I want to say...well, we'll keep trying, despite age, despite resources. This is only our first try. First try on this go-round, any way.

I want to say... well, I have this whole other life, this whole other part of me, this is not all I am.

But it doesn't feel true. I've tasted this. I've been so close.

I don't know how to go on without this. I guess that I can. I know others have.

It feels like there are so many things I've had to let go of. This, too? Really?

Friday, September 25, 2009

I have a great sister

"I'm not gonna blow any sunshine up your ass," she says, as I try not to cry. I tell her I appreciate it. And I do. She's returning my call from this morning, reporting in. She's in the car, on the way to the airport to pick up her oldest friend, visiting her to meet the baby.

She agrees when I say, Yes it's still early, anything could happen. But it doesn't look good.

And here come the tears.

*****

I also have great friends. Thanks for cursing the universe for me. Keep it coming.

I knew all along that we would likely not get pg on the first cycle.

But I was hoping.

Goddammit, I was hoping.

And all along, I knew I'd be crushed when it didn't happen. I had no coping plan in place. (Besides my usual compulsive purchasing of sheets, of course. Though, the timing sucks and we shouldn't blow money right now on ego-soothing shopping sprees. Maybe next week, but not now. Which totally negates the point of retail therapy.)

*****

So, I'll eat. Compulsively. Sugar soothes me, too. Told A that I went out and bought all kinds of nosherie that are *not* on the plan (WW). "Screw the plan," she says. Yeah, I laugh. All kinds of plans get screwed, right?

*****

I think part of what's upsetting me (aside, obviously, from not being pg) is that I seem to have forgotten that I'm infertile. I mean, who am I to get pregnant on the first try back in the process? And I am, after all, 39 -- eggs don't last forever. And lord knows how welcoming my uterus is, anyway. Especially after all it's been through.

Why should it be easy? Why should the plan work now, first shot, when it never did before?

I have such a headache. Where are those chips?

*****

Well, I am not going to grade papers this weekend. That's pretty much for sure. At least not tomorrow, anyway.

What are you folks up to this weekend?

Stark

Stark white.

I think definition part 4a is particularly apt. 1a isn't bad either.

Yes, I know it is still early. Yes, I know that even though this is when I got my bfp with the boys, they were twins, with lots and lots of hcg.

I also know that if another day or two goes by and I don't get at least a faint positive (one that grows visibly darker each day) this whole project is likely doomed. Or at least this cycle is.

I was gonna make plans for the weekend -- something social for the day before Yom Kip.pur. That's out.

Here's the biggest joke (besides me): I still have to wait a week, til Thursday for the beta.

Here's another big joke: I can go through all of this again next month.

No saccharin hope please. I welcome good thoughts, but, you know.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Ahhh... cookies

Thanks, you guys. I'm feeling a lot better.

The support, the validation, the recipe. And a wonderful person dropped off cookies for me today. A wonderful surprise. Nom nom nom...

Oh, and I was able to dig out a whole package of double stuff Or.eos out of the cabinet, from before I started this diet. I just grabbed 2 handfuls -- well, 6 or 7 cookies, and that helped more than I could have anticipated. Maybe it was the company.

In celebration of cookies...here's a little treat for all of you, from way back when...

Sunday, September 20, 2009

I need some cookies

Or drugs. Or something.

Having too many flashbacks. Getting nothing done except freaking myself out. And it's only 9:30.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

*****

Why are we doing this again? I can't even get through the first week of the two week wait. How am I supposed to get through 40 weeks?

How am I going to get through the BFN?

Where did all that strength optimism hope go?

Fuck.

All I wanna do

...is eat.

Nom nom nom...

It's not great for the diet, this TTC business. Especially TTC after loss. Two frickin' years after loss.

Sigh. Especially when there is nothing really good to eat* in the house. Because of the diet.

(You'd think after all this time, I'd be doing better with all this.)

*****

Thank you for all your good wishes. During the last cycle we did, the one when we got pg with the boys, I started telling people that we were trying. I accepted offers of good thoughts, prayers, positive vibes...And it made me feel a little less alone. This time, I'm telling very few people. My sister, a few close friends. And you wonderful folks. Feels good to have you cheering me on -- you, who understand.

*****

I am only 5 dpiui today. Five freaking days. How is that possible? Surely, it's been a week or 10 days? No? Crap.

I bought some cheap pee sticks and have been watching the trigger leave my system. It's been a week now, and it's just about all gone (thank you, O.vid.rel!) -- just a barely visible line, and that's when the stick has totally dried, way past the notorious 10 minute mark.

Of course, I know that there is no way I'll see anything good on a pee stick for at least 4 or 5 days. At the very soonest.

Used to be, when I was an old pro at this, on my 8th or 9th cycle, that I could wait at least until 7 or 8 days to start thinking about trying an hpt. I knew that any time before 9 or 10 dp, there would be nothing to see.

[Feels like the first time....feels like the very first time...]

Sorry. I'm back at the beginning. Hoping. But reminding myself of the practicalities. Wanting to see *something* that tells me something good will happen.

*****

I have ohss. A mild case of it, I think, but enough that my ovaries hurt and I'm often queasy. It's amazing I even have anything to use on the pee sticks. (Sorry.) I'm not too terribly bloated, but I can feel that my ovaries are big. And I am achy enough to know that I shouldn't do the booster shot. I'm not disappointed, but I have been constantly checking in on myself (for a change) to see if I'm imagining it, so the beta will be that much sooner. Part of me is now wanting to put it off as long as possible, so I can continue the fantasy.

But I did pick up the booster from the drug store in case I was feeling better. The nurse said I should take it only if I feel totally normal (insert joke here) on Sunday. Like I hadn't had any treatment at all. And I've had this probably 4 or 5 times before. Usually pretty mild, but enough so you'd notice. And so I'd learn.

It's gotten worse over the last few days, which, of course, gives me hope, because the HCG from the trigger is actually *leaving* my system. Of course, I know that it's *far* too early for any hcg to even be produced, let alone have an impact on my body.

And usually, in cycles where I've at least conceived, there has been just a teeny bit of blood -- like a little capillary or something -- around 5 or 6 dpiui. At least I think it was then. This time, I had a ton of (sorry) old blood the day after the IUI, mixed with the EWCM. I'm assuming this means that I ovulated really strongly. I'm hoping that's what it means. I didn't really start to ache until a couple of hours or so after the IUI, so of course I worry that the timing is off.

*****

This is quite possibly one of the longest two week periods I've ever experienced ever. Not just TTC. EVER.

God.Dammit.

My sister has asked me what my strategy is for getting through this 2ww. I have no plan. I was hoping I could engage in school work, but any free moment, any free thought goes right to, well, what may or may not be going on inside my body. I wish I could go to sleep for 10 days and wake up on the day before beta day. We got a brand new mattress set (Thank you, Ma.cy's Labor Day Sale) this week (the old one was from 1992!) and I love just spending time on the bed. Napping, dozing...ahhh.

Had a very nice first night of Rosh Hasha.nah. Thinking about hosting something for the afternoon of the beginning of Yo.m Kipp.ur. Maybe just a small thing, open house or something, with my colleagues and new friends. I don't know.

*****

I'm starting to feel anxiety again. Especially when I think about it for more than a few minutes, concentrated obsessing. Oy.

Trying to remember to breathe.

So, what do you do during the two week wait? Tell me stories, give me strategies, ask me questions. Send me recipes (for sweets, for the holidays, anything...). Anything to keep me distracted for a few more minutes is greatly appreciated.


*I want cupcakes! Cookies with sweet frosting!

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

And they're off!

The deed is done. Now we wait. 16 or 18 days, if I do the hcg booster shot. Actually, if I do the booster, they won't do a beta until 20 days because the 18th day lands on a Saturday, I think. Part of me really wants to feel some ohss, so I don't have to do the booster, because either way, I CANNOT WAIT THREE WEEKS for the beta.

Fingers are crossed. Belly is bloaty. Progesterone and lov.enox are at the ready. P4 test in 7 days to confirm ovulation.

No sweat.

Ahem.

Thanks

As I sit in my car, waiting for the RE's Lab Director to work her magic, I think about all the time that's gone by: since we started trying, since we got pregnant, and since I haven't been pregnant.

I've sat here waiting 9 times before. This time is different. Yes, usually C waits with me, holds my hand through the whole thing and he can't today.

But I'm not alone. I feel like I have all you wonderful people behind me, behind us. Waiting to lend support in simple, but so very meaningful ways. Positive or negative, pregnant or not, baby or loss.
I have not been a very good bloggy friend lately, caught up with school, with this cycle, and my own craziness/self-centeredness. Trying to keep my feet under me.

I'm sorry I haven't been commenting much, haven't been reading as much as I would like. But you are all in my thoughts, and in my heart. I will do a better job, and catch up with all of you over the next couple of weeks.

So, what's going on in your parts of the world?

Monday, September 14, 2009

And...breathe

Talked to the RE's office, and he said that everything is fine.

Thank you so much for the reassurance and suggestions. It's so good to know you're there.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

I am an idiot

Day 10: Trigger with Ovi.drel between 6 and 9 pm

So, about 8:15, I go up to my office and pull out the trigger and a syringe and look for a need for IM injections -- they didn't give me any with my 'script. Oh, I hope I have some left over from 2 years ago... I open the box of Ovidrel, maybe they stuck one in there.

No, no they didn't because it's a subcutaneous injection. And it's premixed. Cool.

I go ahead and give myself the injection. Easy-peasy, right?

I take a look at the box, and oh, what's this sticker? "Do Not Freeze. Keep refrigerated."

Keep refrigerated?!? Oh, CRAP. I've kept this in my office for four and a half weeks. Yes, for about 33 days. Unrefrigerated.

Unrefrigerated.

Sigh. I knew this was going too smoothly.

Anyone have any words of wisdom? The IUI is scheduled for 8:30 Tuesday morning.

Theoretically.

Should I call first thing tomorrow and tell them I'm an idiot? My day tomorrow is so packed, and I'm anticipating another 40 minute schlep to the office to deal with this. Maybe I should call now and leave a message in the general mailbox. It will get sent to the nurses anyway. Is this a loss?

God. Dammit.

*****
Had the acupuncture Friday at 4:30, and C had some at 5. He's feeling pretty good. Nice time at the party. Productive weekend. Ovaries burgeoning. Great way to end the weekend.

Dammit.

Thursday, September 10, 2009

Day 7

Four. Two on the right (14 and 15) and two on the left (both 14). I thought I saw another on the right, but what do I know. Four is good. Very good, considering my age and the new meds. I go back on Saturday morning, then IUI on Monday or Tuesday. Hoping for Monday, because C has to teach at 8 am on Tuesday.

Getting "needled" again tomorrow evening, at 6, probably. C is going to go in, too, at 5. We were supposed to go to this departmental thing "back to school" party about 45 mins away from 6 to 9, but it may not happen. I was kind of looking forward to it. Last year I didn't go because I was too depressed, but I've talked to a bunch of people I know who are going -- I even sort of convinced someone -- a newer doc student -- to come and bring her husband. Now we may not even get there. Not anywhere on time, anyway.

And a new friend (Hi!) just invited us over for drinks on Friday evening, too. I really hated to decline, but had already made these plans... We'll find another time, I hope. Everything happens at once, it seems.

Fingers are crossed. My doctor continued to remark on my changed demeanor. He's pleased with my progress on the stims. The nurses also gushed about how good I looked and about my 4 follicles. As we were talking, one got all teared up about how well I seem to be doing. These are great people. Warm. Good.

It's so weird. Good, but...I don't know. Effortless isn't the right word. Sudden?

I don't know. I don't get it. But I'll keep at it, I guess. Crossing my fingers, knocking wood. One foot in front of the other, right? Left foot, then right foot. Then left again.

Thanks for hanging in there with me. I'll keep you posted

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Day 6

Bloaty.

Three days of stims, so far. One more tonight, ultrasound tomorrow morning. My pants are already feeling tighter -- need to adjust my belt. How's that for a lovely image?

Tomorrow is two years since the first beta with the boys. My first really good, positive beta. 568 at 16dpo.

It's kind of odd doing all this during this time of year: similar, but not. And I'm actually not perseverating or freaking out all over the place. Not yet, anyway. I'm not relaxed, but not nearly as anxious as I would have thought. Even when I worry, it's tempered.

Maybe it's the acupuncture. Day 1 was exactly a week after my appointment, and my RE was like, "you're so different." Everyone says I look good. Generally, I feel good. Positive, even. Guess that dragon thing really worked. And the anxiety thing, too. I go for one more treatment before the IUI. Fertility thing, I guess.

I've been wanting to write, but right now, I can't remember what I wanted to talk about. Since I have to get back to work (schoolwork for class this afternoon), I guess I'll leave it at that.

Is this what normal feels like? What good feels like? It's so odd. New.

We shall see, I guess. I'll post after the ultrasound tomorrow, or after I'm done teaching for the day. Thank you for all your well wishes as we begin this journey again. Or, rather, this part of the journey. I'm so glad to have you here with me.

Friday, September 4, 2009